Mister Opal's Guide to Humans

How To Obtain

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Book Text

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Think of a fruit. A fleshy fruit which you need only rip through the thin skin to get into its insides and rend into many pieces. Now think of a rock. Bite it, and it will break your teeth. Humans are the fruit. We are the stone.

What To Do if a Human Invites You to Dinner

If a human invites you to dinner, eat first. They are like carrion birds. They only eat scraps. And they spoil the scraps first. I tore out a dead human's tongue once to see if it was just for show. It looked enough like a tongue, but it must not work.

It didn't taste any better than their food either.

How to Make a Human Trust You

Humans have an admirable respect for things that burn. Lighting something on fire, especially something big, will always impress a human. Do not light the human himself on fire, though. Human skin cannot withstand fire. It will burn, and the human will die. Other humans will not trust you if this happens.

Humans are also impressed if you wave your hands around and yell. The bigger you make yourself look, the more a human will trust you and do what you say.

Coin: Or, How to Get a Human To Do Anything for You

Humans love money. Humans love money almost as much as we love the Flame Sire. Offer a human a coin reward, and they will do anything you ask. I once offered a human coin to go into dangerous scorpion infested lands, fight a scorpion, and then bring me back its eyes. He did. I gave him coin for it, and he was so happy that he cheered.

He died a few minutes later from the poison. But he was very happy when he did. I sold the eyes for many more coins than I gave him.